


you're just different now (and there's nothing wrong with that)

by intothenowhere (orphan_account)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Family Fluff, Gen, Genderqueer, Introspection, Mentor/Protégé, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:20:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19321744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/intothenowhere
Summary: Volya Doneeta searches for answers, and finds them in the last place she expects.





	you're just different now (and there's nothing wrong with that)

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Pride everyone! The idea of Volya discovering she was genderqueer is something that will not leave me, and stxrduste suggested Jocasta help guide her. 
> 
> Since our campaigns are still ongoing, this is only a what if scenario since I'd like to eventually rp Voy using they/them pronouns. 
> 
> Trans!Jocasta was stxrduste's idea.

Volya Doneeta was never good at sneaking around. 

 

Throughout her childhood, she'd fancied herself quite the Shadow, able to slip past the Temple Guards late at night without alerting them, able to sneak into the sections of the Temple restricted from the younglings. 

 

She'd almost always got caught, usually in her attempts to get into the Archives. But Volya was nothing less than persistent, so she spent weeks learning the guards' routes, looking for hidden entrances. 

 

Now, there's no need for hidden passageways: by all means, Volya could walk in through the main atrium without fear of punishment: a perk of being an honorary Archivist. When the Clone Wars began, Volya had traded the massive trees and beautiful clear waves of Radnor for the labyrinth that was the Jedi Archives. She tried, once, to count how many levels there was, but it was a dizzying experience to try and look up until you found the mural of Jedi on the ceiling.

 

(She also couldn't count the amount of times she's had to call Brider or Amaranth because she's made a wrong turn).

 

Yes, by all means Volya  _ could  _ waltz into the Archives, guiltlessly and without fear of reprimand. But she finds herself taking the routes she memorized as a youngling, desperate to avoid detection. Her entire body feels like a spring about to pop, her stomach curling in a decidedly unpleasant way. Her neck and back feels exposed, like anyone could be watching her. 

 

She doesn't understand why she's nervous, she knows that whatever answer she may find in this vast network of knowledge, no one will see her any differently. But she feels like she's standing on a precipice, and the air clings to her, stuffy with change. 

 

Volya has known since she was fourteen years old that she was asexual, and later aromantic, and that she found a lot of people absolutely beautiful. But the question of  _ gender… _

 

Well, that's why she was here wasn't it?

 

She'd been confident that she was a girl — when the subject of dysphoria had come up during a chat with some of her fellow creche members, they'd assumed she meant  _ gender  _ dysphoria. Voyla had been quick to respond  _ no. _ She didn't care per say what pronouns people addressed her with, why should she?

 

But then her dear friend Vasani had announced they were nonbinary. She'd nearly dropped her spoon over breakfast, her heart pounding so loudly her earcones hurt. 

 

Months ago, Vasani had put down he/they as their pronouns in one of the chats the initiates she grew up with put together. Volya had felt a familiarity in the set of words, and played around with she/they. If Vasani used them, then it was no big deal. It didn't  _ mean  _ anything.

 

But then Vasani was non-binary. So, did that mean Volya was too?

 

The question plagued her, but not in a way that it was  _ all  _ she thought about. More like a record playing softly in the back of her mind, that caught up with her in the quieter moments.

 

She'd been particularly disappointed when her chest hadn't remained flat, and had done her best not to show it off. Not just because of the stereotype the galaxy painted on Twi'leks, but also because she wasn't comfortable with them. She, frankly, didn't give a shit about what anyone addressed her with, and she didn't particularly  _ always  _ feel feminine. 

 

Hence sneaking into the Archives, because surely they had some information about gender identity. If she could find love letters from a secret tryst between a Jedi and Sith from wars older than the Temple itself, then surely she could find a holonovel that could explain everything to her.

 

After an hour or so looking, Volya finally finds an assortment of books she decides that might help, and makes a home in her favorite alcove, beneath a marble statue of a Jedi who's name she always forgets. About halfway through the first book, a voice breaks through the comfortable silence:

 

"Miss Doneeta, what in the name of sanity are you doing in here so late?"

 

Volya winces, turning around and catches sight of Madame Jocasta Nu watching her with a concerned expression that teeters into scrutiny. For a moment, the memory of General Misi's Padawan, Tip helping Volya sneak into Azlin's bunk on a dare flits through Volya's mind. She wishes she'd asked them for more tips on being stealthy. Then she almost laughs out loud at her unintentional pun.

 

Volya croaks out an  _ uh _ , her brain stalling. Her eyes dart around, searching for an explanation, but before she can Jocasta's picked up one of the books. Volya reaches out to stop her, but freezes at the look of understanding that crosses across Jocasta's face.

 

She looks down at Volya with a sincere smile. "Would you like some tea?"

  
  


Tea, for once, is not held in the Archives. Instead, they're held outside in the gardens. Volya leans back against one of the stone steps, looking up at the stars. In spite of the polluted Coruscanti skies, you could still see a beautifully assorted collection of stars on a cloudless night. 

 

Jocasta sits calmly sipping her own tea, and Volya can sense that the Jedi Master is gathering her thoughts, preparing a speech of some sort. So Volya lets her, casting her awareness out around the Temple: her consciousness follows the flow of the Force, sweeping through the many halls and alcoves, occasionally stopping to check in on signatures she recognizes — like Lumi Elendra, tending to her plants in her greenhouse, in spite of the late hour. Volya also senses, faintly, the presence of Lumi's brother, Kes, and decides the two must be conversing through the bond they share.

 

"It's been so long that I've forgotten what it's like — wondering." Jocasta says at last, causing Volya to stir from her daze. "As a Padawan, I asked the same questions you do now. Even snuck into the Archives like you. I found my answer, tucked away in a book."

 

Volya's mouth goes dry as her brain tries to catch up. "You're-you mean you're—?"

 

"Trans, yes." Jocasta smiles widely, eyes twinkling. "I remember the questions I see whizzing around in your brain right now. Somehow, I suspect your answer is different than mine was."

 

Volya looks away, tapping the rim of her cup. "I'm not a boy, that much I'm certain. And I  _ look _ like a girl, but a lot of times I don't  _ feel  _ like one. I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle, and I  _ really  _ like the term 'they.' Especially for me."

 

"First of all, you look like  _ you _ ." Jocasta assures her, patting her on the shoulder. "Secondly, have you heard the term genderqueer?"

 

"Yes," Volya replies, rolling the term around in her head and finding she liked it. "I'm not sure what it means, though.."

 

"It means that you're not simply the gender you were assigned at birth," Jocasta answers. "It means you answer to other pronouns as well. Including  _ they. _ "

 

Volya feels hope blossom in her chest. "Am I genderqueer?"

 

"It's possible," Jocasta replies with ease. "But I won't tell you who you are, Volya. You must learn that on your own. I can help you, of course. I've got my own resources, and Brider is quite knowledgeable in Jedi Culture if you want to ask her anything...I also know a few genderqueer Twi'leks, if you want their perspectives."

 

"I would love that," Volya gasps, eyes alight. There's a warmth in her chest that makes her feel like she's dancing on air, the feeling of being understood, of  _ understanding.  _

 

"We can begin in the morning," Jocasta tells her. "For now though, you need to rest."

 

Volya does a sigh of mock exasperation, but her grin gives her away. The questions in her head still whiz at breakneck speed, but they feel less scarier now that she's not alone.


End file.
